*Looks at the calendar*
*Looks at date on last blogpost*
I paid around a hundred bucks for this site and now that it’s my only outlet, I guess I better use it. But first, I guess I should address what’s happened with me. My Twitter’s been dead since mid-October and I didn’t just leave for no reason, there were some circumstances that led me to just taking off. So let’s get some house-cleaning over with before I dig into any hard stuff:
First, this should be of no surprise to anyone who’s seen any of the post-season stuff from them, but I’m no longer writing at SB Nation with Hot Time. I don’t really have much to add about that at the moment, there’s going to be more on that later in this piece. What that means right now for this blog, though, is that I’ll definitely be using this space to talk about the Fire whenever I feel like it. I was already planning on it before, but this kinda forced my hand a bit here.
Second, I was actually working on a massive article during this hiatus; but it’s seriously been so unwieldy and difficult to complete that I’m gonna kinda throw in the towel on it. It was going to be some unnecessary, way too in-depth analysis of St. Vincent’s recent MASSEDUCTION album. Was going to be pretty cool, but I think I lost the plot in it and never finished.
Third, on that topic, I’ve been doing a ton more music stuff. Why? Because I gave up soccer for basically that entire period of time. Instead of watching the rest of the MLS Cup Playoffs, I’ve been off learning guitar and attempting to write more music. I just felt like it was the right thing to do, especially after the really positive feedback I got from the LP I released a couple months earlier. I’ve actually gotten to a pretty good level, so I’m really pleased with the time I spent. I’ve also found a couple of new bands that I’m excited to talk about when I end up talking about music here.
So where did this shit come from? On the night of October 25th 2017, I had what I can only really describe now as some sort of emotional/nervous breakdown. There was the combination of a couple things: some budding anxiety issues that I’d picked up recently, mixed in with some creeping depression from probably the same places. I’d just started college recently, so there was definitely something there. But the big thing that broke me was the Fire.
I’ve constantly talked about my relationship with the Fire as being something so extremely close and unbreakable. While it looks romantic and seems like an amazing thing to be so much of a fan to care that much about the club, it wasn’t healthy. From the point that I had started working for Hot Time, the Fire were just my identity. Sure, I could talk about other things than the Fire, but I would always try to find some way to bring it back around to them. It was all I talked about, all I cared about, and all I thought about. That’s not a good thing. It’s not healthy to let something that you can’t control control you.
So we get to the night of the game and I am more than just a ball of nerves, I am a planet of nerves. I was unable to stop shaking that entire night. I thought I was just excited, but actually I was having a full-on panic attack. I was late getting there, raising that panic even higher. The Fire start losing, bad, and that sends me even higher. I am unable to control myself well enough. I couldn’t think clearly. I was snapping. My psyche is falling apart the same way as the team’s season is, in a flaming ball of shit. Then I go to Twitter.
Here’s a lesson for everyone to know: No one ever knows the context of your tweets to a person if you don’t explicitly state them. Even then, it’s really hard to discern that when you send 16 of them in a row. I decided to tweet at an MLS media person who I had seen and talked to at the game. I sent them some massive number of tweets all explaining each and every intricate tactical failure made in the match. I know now what I wanted to get at, but I should’ve waited. I shouldn’t have just attacked somebody with that sort of shit. There was nothing malicious behind it, just someone losing their fucking mind trying to talk themselves through horrible decisions made by someone else.
So this is my apology to her and to Hot Time. It was entirely unprofessional what I did. I knew it the moment someone called me out on it. I understand what happened and I want to move past it. But that wasn’t the only thing that kept me away from soccer and Twitter, just because the team lost, wasn’t why I decided to just ghost on all of my friends in the Fire community.
As I was saying earlier, I had an unhealthy relationship with the Fire. I still kind of do, and will possibly continue to if I don’t work on it. I hitched my happiness onto the workings of others. That’s not a good way to live. It’s this weird dependency that I’ve developed on dependency. Throughout my entire life, I’ve been relying on others and hoping to rely on others; but never really relying on me.
For the longest time, I didn’t really know what to do with the songs that I wrote because I didn’t know guitar. Then I met a guy who said he could play guitar for my songs and it sounded great. Then he left and I was left knowing what this stuff sounded like with accompaniment, without the accompaniment. Only recently have I finally learned how to play guitar and this has been the happiest I’ve been in a long time. I can finally rely on myself to do things for me. My happiness isn’t coming from others, it’s finally coming from me.
So in the near future, expect me to talk more about music and stuff like that. I probably won’t try to take on a beast like that MASSEDUCTION analysis, but I’ll definitely tell you about my new favorite band. And in terms of soccer coverage, I wouldn’t expect me to get back in the swing of doing that sort of stuff until way early preseason, some time around the draft. As I said, I’d like “me” to be defined by me, not someone else. It’s gonna take time and it’s gonna be difficult, but I really hope this is the first step towards a better me.