(This stream of consciousness “diary entry” was written around midnight this morning)
So I just finished editing/mixing down the LP. Or album. I still don’t know what the specific classification is and I’ll probably figure it out later. I started out calling it an LP, but I gradually felt more and more like I wanted to fully stake ownership on the work, saying that this is what I wanted it to sound like. I think that was my thinking while recording it, now after hearing it a bit, I kinda want a bit of a do-over in a place with better sound recording and someone who actually knows what they’re doing at the board.
I’ve been saying that I started writing this album after my minor breakdown after the Fire’s playoff loss, but the writing has been an ongoing project. I think the oldest song in there is about 2 years old and there were a couple that I could’ve used but ended up not doing that were even older.
The biggest thing that this taught me was that I needed to find a way to help myself. And I think that that’s a main theme in the more recent songs that I wrote: the realization that the cavalry isn’t coming, I have to step up or else nothing will happen. Going back to waiting for a guitarist to help me, finding one, then losing one, and then just hoping I’d find another. I wanted to create music, but I let my own mental limitations get in the way. I knew I couldn’t play guitar. I knew I wasn’t ready to just release my music. But at some point I just decided, fuck it.
I mostly released “A Flare Gun, A First Aid Kit, A Cell Phone, and A Boat LP” as a joke, but doing so led me to finding out that people might actually like the music that I enjoy doing. So I decided to learn guitar. Being almost purely self-taught, I probably have terrible habits and am probably doing many things wrong, but I was having fun playing.
I think it’s an interesting contrast between the sound that I made and the emotion that I felt making the album/LP. I was writing and playing and practicing using really pretty depressing music, but doing so made me so happy. I was able to take songs that I grew up with and pound them out. I was taking pieces of art made by others and putting them through my own filter. How could I not be excited? And when it came time for me to write the chords to my old songs or write completely new ones, I was fucking stoked! I think the only one that didn’t put a smile on my face when I was done writing was the one I wrote the day after the playoff loss.
I’m writing all over the place now, but I’m writing because this isn’t something that’s big. I haven’t signed with any record label yet and I don’t exactly have friends in those kinds of places who could help do that for me. No one’s going to interview me, so I’m going to interview me. This album is a first step into a great unknown. I don’t know if people will like it, but unlike the previous release, I’m damn proud of it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue doing it, but at this moment in time music is all I want to do.
But maybe that’s the point here. I said that I knew a lot of things last year, but within the past 4-6 months I remembered that I don’t really know anything. I’ve always told myself that true wisdom comes with admitting you don’t know and I always remember that too late. Fear is what forces us to not admit the unknown, because what if there’s something horrible there?
Fuck it, I’m getting too philosophical right now, but that’s what this is doing to me and honestly it’s what goes through my head most of the time when I start writing about my feelings.
Bottom line: I’m really happy about this accomplishment and all I want to do is more of this shit.
I’ve still got a formal announcement and a shit ton of DIY marketing to do, but I’m just glad that I’ve got something down.